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Saturday, June 25, 2011

El Comandante's List of Actor/Actress Douchebags: Numero Uno

The list of douche bags that give my profession a bad rap.  Yup, I’m stealing from Jim Rome’s list of “that guy”.  However, this is Hollywood.  Sadly there are women that make this list too.  We’ll touch on one numbskull for the first entry.  I don’t want to make you start the revolution just yet.
Numero Uno:  Anything You can do, overcompensating by bragging about all my credits, and who I studied with, and the parts I almost got, Guy:
My partner in crime, a suave, French, guy, that gets all the looks from the girls when we hang out (let’s call him “Francois”, to protect his identity) encountered a certain type of  pendejo (get out your Spanish/English dictionaries) while auditioning for a non-paid, student film.  While in the waiting area, this dude starts listing off his credits in a loud, obnoxious, manner.  Which begs the question: If you’re so cool that they have to call you a culo (dictionary folks)?  WTF are you doing listing off all your co-star, guest star, walk of fame star, and star nipple, tassel credits at a casting session for a student film in NORTHRIDGE!!?? Huh?
The director then called the group of actors in to the audition room.  He explained that the actors were going to have to do some “Viewpoints” exercises.  For those who don’t know anything about the “Viewopoints” technique; look it up.  In a nutshell, there is a lot of moving around, running in circles, moving along a straight plane, sideways plane, upside down plane, mile high club plane (a huevo), in whatever emotional state you are encompassing at the time.  I’m not doing it justice, because it’s actually really cool.  
Anyways, Francois and the other actors that were auditioning did their thing:  running, moving, sliding, and then came the jumping.  Oh yes!  There is jumping.  One guess what the nominee for Lifetime Achievement in Student Cinema did:  Showed off his hops by trying to jump higher than everyone.  
Boy did he get into it.  I forgot to mention that Francois had about 8 inches of height (don’t go there) on this guy.  Naturally, my compadre (dictionary) had higher hops than this guy.  Did that sit well with the next Tom Cruise  (Oprah's couch)?  Ha!  Higher, and higher he jumped.  
After all was said and done, audition over, everyone left the room.  In the lobby, the guy starts talking smack about my boy, within earshot of him, to some of the other actors!  “Someone was trying to make this a competition and out jump me in there.”  Hijo de la gran chingada!  Really man?  You're that chingon?

It’s hard enough dealing with not getting the part in a student film from some school that’s an hour away.  Been there.  Done that.  If  you’re reading this, and you’re the guy who pulls tonterias (Foolishness- I’ll give you that one) like that:  Check yourself homie.  Because the truth is, no one really cares.  People just go home and make jokes about you, or write awesome blog entries...that make jokes about you.  Horale!  But you do provide a service to those of us that chill out and try to make the best of a so/so situation.  You allow us to laugh and thank God that we are not being made fun of by the everyone in that room, director included.  
I don’t really want to make you work too much, because I want you to keep checking out my entries.   I’ve added a list of the Spanish/Spanglish words in this blog, with their meanings, below for you to refer to and hopefully laugh your little culitos off.  Enjoy!
pendejo- Literally, a pubic hair from your ass.  Serio!  In slang terms, it’s used to refer to someone as an idiot, asshole, buttmunch, knucklehead, etc.  Not a favorable term.  
serio- Serious; often expressed in disbelief- “Serio?”  Ex.- Hey they shorted me on my check homie.  Serio!?  It’s like saying: “Really?”, “FO REAL?”, “SHUT UP?” 
culo- Asshole.  In the context of the sentence I used, “...so cool they have to call you a culo.”, it’s more about the play on the words “cool” and “culo”.  The line is from an awesome gangbanger movie (“American Me”) starring and directed by none other than Edward James Olmos.  Wacha!
a huevo!-  An expression of excited agreement, like “Fuck Yeah!”  Ex. Are the Lakers going to come back with a vengeance?  A Huevo!
compadre- Friend, Buddy, Pal, Homie, Girlfrieeeeennnd!, Sista, etc.
Hijo de la gran chingada!- Literal traslation:  Son of a Motherfucker!  It’s used in the same vein as, “Fuck me!”, “Motherfuck!”, “Son of a Bitch!”  When you just can’t believe how stupid or absurd the situation is.
tonterias- Ya te la di! (“I already gave you this one!”)
Horale!- Similar to “A Huevo!”; Fuck yeah!  Right on!  Simon esse!

chingon- Fucking Awesome!  Badass!  Hung like a...you get the idea.

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